Vatican Unveils New AI Document: "Antiqua et Nova" – A Divine Comedy of Errors
VATICAN CITY – February 5, 2025 – In a groundbreaking move that has left theologians and tech enthusiasts alike scratching their heads, the Vatican has released a new document titled Antiqua et Nova, which translates roughly to “Old and New” but could easily be interpreted as “Let’s Pretend We Understand AI.” This 117-paragraph magnum opus, crafted by the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith and the Dicastery for Culture and Education, aims to address the pressing ethical dilemmas posed by artificial intelligence, or as the Pope affectionately calls it, “that thing that makes my computer freeze.”
The document is primarily directed at “those entrusted with transmitting the faith,” which, judging by the number of memes circulating on social media, seems to be a dwindling group. It also reaches out to “those who share the conviction that scientific and technological advances should be directed toward serving the human person and the common good,” a sentiment that is likely to be met with a collective eye-roll from anyone who has ever tried to navigate a self-checkout machine.
In a bold move, the Vatican warns that AI should not be confused with actual intelligence, as it is merely a product of human ingenuity. “Let’s be honest,” the document states, “if we’re calling this ‘intelligence,’ we might as well start calling reality TV ‘documentaries.’” The Pope himself chimed in, noting that the term “intelligence” in AI is “misleading,” much like the term “diet soda” when you’re trying to lose weight.
The document doesn’t shy away from the darker side of AI, cautioning against its potential to exacerbate discrimination, increase poverty, and worsen the “digital divide.” In a shocking revelation, it suggests that AI could be used to manipulate public opinion for corporate gain, which is a bit like saying that water is wet. “We’re just trying to keep the robots from taking over,” said one Vatican insider, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being replaced by a chatbot.
One of the most eyebrow-raising sections of Antiqua et Nova addresses AI-driven warfare, warning against autonomous weapons that can “identify and strike targets without direct human intervention.” The Vatican describes these as a “grave ethical concern,” which is a bit rich coming from an institution that has historically had its own issues with “grave concerns.” “We’re not saying we’re against robots,” the document clarifies, “but we’d prefer they don’t have the power to decide who lives and dies. That’s our job.”
The document also takes a hard look at how AI influences human relationships, warning of “harmful isolation” and the dangers of anthropomorphizing machines. “It’s one thing to have a crush on your Roomba,” it states, “but when you start inviting it to dinner parties, we have a problem.” The Vatican is particularly concerned about children developing emotional attachments to AI, suggesting that misrepresenting AI as a person is “a grave ethical violation.” So, if your child starts calling Siri “Mom,” you might want to have a chat.
In the economic realm, the Vatican acknowledges AI’s potential to boost productivity while simultaneously deskilling workers and subjecting them to automated surveillance. “It’s like giving someone a raise while simultaneously taking away their desk,” the document quips. “We’re all for progress, but not at the expense of turning humans into glorified coffee-fetchers.”
Education, too, is a double-edged sword in the eyes of the Vatican. While AI can provide “immediate feedback” to students, it also risks turning them into passive recipients of information. “We’re not saying we want students to suffer through algebra, but we’d prefer they at least pretend to think critically,” the document states, adding that “AI-generated content should be treated like fast food: convenient but ultimately unsatisfying.”
The Vatican also raises alarms about AI’s role in spreading misinformation, warning that AI-generated “manipulated content” could lead to a world where “the truth is as rare as a unicorn.” The document urges those producing AI content to “exercise diligence” in verifying facts, which is a bit like asking a toddler to keep their room clean—noble in theory, but good luck with that.
Privacy concerns are also front and center, with the Vatican warning against a future where personal data becomes a “spectacle to be examined.” “We’re not ready for a world where our deepest secrets are just another episode of ‘Big Brother,’” it states, adding that digital surveillance could be misused to control how believers express their faith. “We’re all for faith, but we’d prefer it not come with a side of surveillance.”
Despite the myriad concerns, Antiqua et Nova does acknowledge AI’s potential benefits for environmental sustainability. “AI could help us improve our relationship with our ‘common home,’” the document states, though it also notes that current AI models are contributing significantly to CO2 emissions. “It’s like trying to save the planet while driving a Hummer,” it quips.
In a final flourish, the Vatican warns against humanity becoming “enslaved to its own work,” insisting that AI should complement human intelligence rather than replace it. “We’re not ready to hand over the keys to the kingdom just yet,” the document concludes, leaving many to wonder if the Vatican is more concerned about AI or the next season of The Bachelor.
As the world grapples with the implications of AI, one thing is clear: the Vatican’s Antiqua et Nova is a reminder that while technology may evolve, the absurdity of human existence remains timeless.
